Going to the garden to eat worms 

Currently feeling like  I don’t deserve to be happy, to be loved, the universe seems the be against me 

It’s hard to try and stay positive and right now it’s one of those moments.  When you are run through senerios in your head being hopeful but deep down you know better . You know that won’t happen to you. Cause you are you.

My insecurities really hit me hard here, I’ve experienced some really fucked up shit, I’ve been cheated on, lied to, left, abused, and the list can go on and on.  So my mind is always doubtful, my mind is always coming up with the worst senerios. Why is this so hard to move on from. Why are my insecurities eating me alive. No matter how many times I tell myself that it’s not like that , they are still there. And they are still taunting me. 

Maybe it’s these overnights shifts that are killing my mind.  

Why is this so hard 

Why do I feel like this 

Why me 



So sorry I haven’t been posting about the gym lately! Just life been shitty and schools been busy !  I also haven’t posted about my trip to Saint Catherine’s yet! I’ll do that soon too ! 

So Thursday I went into squat and this cold really kicked my ass. I went in to do some volume which was probably bad idea since it was really hard to eat all day not to mention how stuff up I was! 

But I did 115 for 2 sets of 5!  Breathing was a little difficult and holding my breathe was a little hard to ! So I only got to 2 sets and then I started feeling even shittier! Had to take a little bit of a break and then did my accessory! 

For accessory I did  3×8 kettle bell swings,  leg curl and leg extension 4×8,  one armed dumbbell rows 3×6 and finished with some face pulls ! Wasn’t what I was suppose to do ! But I it was pretty hard!  

Dammmmmmm flu 

 Some booty poppin to get us by untill next week 

Have courage and be kind. 

I can’t remember the last time 

I was seriously this sick. Being sick is so boring all you are able to do is lay around dying! So comgested and ill that even the simplest tasks like getting up to go to the bathroom is a struggle.

Now I honstley can’t say I remember the last time I was sick , I had to be atleast over 2 or 3 years ago, so I really shouldn’t complain. But for someone like me who’s busy with school and 2 jobs it’s really hard to take a break from all of it because of being sick! Not to mention boring, I am always on the go! Ughhh! Maybe this is one way of my body telling me I need to slow down to take it easy! Who knows but this sickness can go away anytime now thanks. 

Not to mention when you are just sitting around dying you are doing a whole lot of nothing. And a whole lot of nothing can equal a lot of thinking. Which can I mention really sucks. 

Thinking about how if you go down that path again  is that really what you want ?! Are you okay to settle ?  You have learned there is so much more out there but for some reason it always bring you back to where you started is there a reason for that ?  Should you wait around ?! Should you be hopeful that they will come back ? Should you move on ?  Should you go back to square one? 

What are you even doing with your life? Everyone is getting married and buying houses, having babies, and you are still stuck at home , with a dog who may midly be retarted.  

I am not looking for sympathy or anything at all I am just ranting away , because when you have a lot of time on your hands between take cough medicine and putting on and taking off clothes because you can’t decided if you are too hot or too cold, you tend to over think things, or atleast I do.  

And for the most part I try to tell myself to stay positive and appreciate everything that you have experienced and that will help you grow ! You will not be the same person you are know in a few months or a year . We are constantly changing and growing , the more education and experience we go through will help shape our lives ones step at a time.  Today I got out of bed hoping that I could make it through the day. Went to school and work , talked to people , laughed, coughed, and smiled. I appreciated the warm weather and the wet rain, I appreciated the melting ice and the bright sun. I did not appreciate the lady bug I found in my house! Because yes lady bugs freak me out , and they appear in the spring time ! My house is so bad for them ! I am not looking forward to that this year. 

Lastly I am greatful and blessed for everything that crossed my path in my life so far, so even though I am stuck in bed sick. I will always see the beauty in things , and will enjoy the little things in life.  The little moments like holding hands, or receiving good morning text, mean the world to me , I would trade all the diamonds in the world to experience the little things every day.

 Have courage and be kind    


The Monday blues 

Sometimes the universe is tryin to guide you down a path that you may not want to be on . Sometime you feel like the universe is against you, that you may have finally opened up and allowed yourself to feel somthing, and the universe just tells you no. 

Isn’t it about time that you allow yourself to be happy, that you tell yourself there is no need to be afraid, people won’t hurt you like they did before.  To push aside the axniety, encourage yourself, and allow yourself to feel again. 

And it comes crashing down, the first time you allow yourself out of your comfort zone. The worst part is that it was nothing you could control, and yet again you are affected by an uncontrollable situation #trigger  

So even though you had a rough go, it may be a little while before you get back on the horse, but you can do it!  It may be really sad and upsetting now, but at the end of the day, you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time! Just your luck ehhh 

Anyways, my heart goes out to you because I know it’s not easy, I know it’s going to be hard. And even though you may have only been a little part of my life I am forever greatful for the kindness and respect you showed me . Made me believe and have hope,  And for that I will always be here for you, Thank you  

The unknown of what could have been will always be on my mind 

Have courage and be kind 

I don’t know about you but im feeling 22, everything will be alright if you keep me next to you, you don’t know about me but I bet you want to, everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we’re 22

Its almost been a full year since I have dedicated this year to myself. Since I turned 22 on the april 22, this was my champaign year. So a lot have changed in my life within this year, It is kind of crazy how different my life is now, this life I have created for myself in the last year has been amazing.

So to start off when I turned 22, I created a list of things I would like to achieve within the 22nd year of my life.  here is the list :

When you’re feeling down remember it’s your year

You will
Get a tattoo
Go to out door music festival
Go go karting
Make healthy choices
Feel beautiful every day
Read as much as you can
Learn how to knit
Take care of your skin
Be happy ❤️
 And honestly I have achieved almost everything on this list! The only thing I have yet to do is to go go-karting!, and well graduating going to take a little longer then I would have liked.  Its a very simple list, but this year my life has changed forever. I have made great friends, I have lost a few friends, Ive experienced heartache, and butterflies, Ive traveled, and been spontaneous, I’ve taken risks, I’ve put myself out there, I have made so many memories!
This year has made up for the past 6 years of my life, which I was never really living.  I kind of owe it all to my ex, because honestly probably wouldn’t have noticed how shitty I was treating myself, and letting myself be treated. Ever since that day that changed my life, I have vowed to myself to surround myself with positive people, not to be afraid, be honesty, be kind, be positive, and to love myself. Great things will come to those who wait.
 I am on the constant journey of discovering who I am, what I want, and what I love.
Have courage and be kind

need the sun to break, you’ve woken up my heartI’m shaking, oh my luck could change been in the dark for weeks

sooo its been a while since I had an Anxiety attack, but this morning it happened again.

The thing is that an anxiety attack can come out of nowhere, or you can feel it coming.  You start to tense up, have a hard time breathing, start to shake, maybe even cry. It is honestly ridicules and embarrassing  , and you wish it would never happen to you or anyone you know. It can be really scary, you just have to ride it out, try and calm yourself down, and realize that with time these things will change, and that your feelings are only at their extreme right now.

For me I am feeling really anxious about a few different things, so I understand why my body is reacting this way. Stress, I am personally stressed the fucked out. From school, learning that I have to do one more year before I can graduate. class assignments that are a few days late,  a paper that i have no idea what to do it on, and artist piece of erotica,  how am i going to afford one more year of school, money, money means jobs, i already work two jobs and still won’t have enough money, i need a real job, i can’t get a real job until i am done school, i can’t finish school if i can’t afford to go, i need money, i need another job, if i get another job i will never have time to sleep, if i don’t sleep i won’t function, how am i suppose to have a life if i have 3 jobs, 3 jobs thats a lot of jobs, i need money though, what about a boy, does boy like me, do i like boy, do i have feelings, i am scared, i am really scared, i don’t know how to have feelings, what are these feelings, am i annoying, am i freaking out, and i thinking too much about it, am i over analyzing  it, well duh thats what happens when you have anxiety, you just can’t stop, your brain just keeps going and going, and stress and stress, and no one deserves this burden that i have, i don’t want to affect any one with it, its not fair, i am damaged , no one is going to want me, i need to focus on school, i need to do better in school, i need to graduate, i need to afford school, i need money….

do you see what its like inside my head, it just does not stop. I need some ease 

ugh honestly , its such a vicious  cycle, you can’t break it. So Ya i see why i had a breakdown today, i get it… i wish i could just move on, i wish i didn’t think like that, i wish this was easier, i wish i wouldn’t stress about things that i cannot control.  I wish i wasn’t so needy or annoying, I wish… I wish , 

And then it happened again… In the evening. Got home from work, and my dad had a friend over , no big deal. They ate dinner and I would eat later, no big deal.  They both leave and I think nows a perfect time to go make something to eat, no big deal. I go downstairs and begin to look for some food, and then my dad comes home, with his girlfriend. Sigh no big deal. Untill I have to go put the dog in my room, unable to make dinner for myself cause she’s coming in so I have to go hide in my room basically, okay a little bit of a big deal. #trigger…   

Being stuck in my room , safe place #trigger, listening to my dog whine and cry #trigger, not being able to eat #trigger, being stressed out about school #trigger, not having money to go out to get something to eat #trigger, 

Probably my worst breakdown in a long time . It left me so exhausted..  Ugh. It will get better 
Have courage and be kind 

Volume …. deads

deadliest day

so Ya, its time to deadlift! today  I had to go into the gym early  cause Im currently working till 11. Which kind of suck, cause well I have to be up at 8 tomorrow, which well, blows, because I’m so sleep deprived as it is.  But thats a personal problem. I wouldn’t change it for the world though. Anyways so I only had breakfast in me, which made me feel really weak.

So I started  deadlifting, and I just wasn’t feeling the greatest, everything felt heavy, and I felt like a wet noodle.  So I was planning on doing some volume, it was my rep day. I did want to go a little higher then 65%, but I just wasn’t feeling it. I was seeing starts my first few sets on deads with 210. I did 5 set of 7, which at the time I was like why on earth am  doing this to myself. But hey we do things to our bodies because of what we love.

I finished off my workout with some glute-hamraises, back extensions, lat pull down, and bird dogs. I literally just picked a few exercises right off chapter  6 of 10/20/life. I  know  not very complicated but i would like to see where this takes me.

bleh kicking my ass, anyways I am really hope in june to hit 360lbs for deadlifts, so I am willing to try anything.